Florence's Muse

What Would My Savior Have Me Do?

2010-01-18T11:20:00.010-05:00

My last post, just about nine months ago, was about adversity. Since then, believe it or not, adversity has not changed - it still affects all of us. What has changed, I can hope, is me - how I cope, how I adapt, how I choose to become better, rise to life's challenges and help others do the same. Even in the midst of devastation.

Last week's earthquake in Haiti has, I'm sure, affected anyone who has a heart and can lay claim to any positive human emotion. For some of us, it hit close to home, for others, it hit home. So far, I've lost one uncle in the catastrophe and have at least one first cousin and several distant cousins who are unaccounted for. Other family members are affected, either because they are there or because they are here and have lost people close to them. I do not know many of these relatives. Some, I have not seen or spoken to in years. And yet, they all are, always have been and always will be, my people. And they're suffering or they're gone.

My prayers go up for all the injured, the miracles waiting to happen - the people who are trapped and will be rescued, the family members, the friends, the relief workers, the troops and everyone who is saddened by the catastrophic effects of an earthquake of this magnitude on an over-populated city that was already ravaged by poverty, hunger and disease. And for those of us who would like to do more, but don't know where to begin or how best to use our gifts to help, I send up a special prayer. I send up a prayer that we would start with the most important and the easiest thing we can do. Pray. It doesn't cost anything and it conquers everything.

You didn't spare Your Son

so You could save me -

You let Him die up on that cross.

You sacrificed the One

to spare the many -

sent Him to find and save the lost.

The blood He shed for us

poured out in rivers.

He suffered just to cleanse my sin.

His blameless body bruised,

its battle over

so that salvation might begin.

What would I do to help

Your precious children,

to show Your love to one or two?

How do I share a drop

of what You've given?

What would my Savior have me do?

How does imperfect flesh

reflect Your mercy?

How can my mortal soul thank You?

How do I touch one life

or help the many?

Please tell me, Savior, what to do.

Adversity

2009-04-01T08:00:00.003-05:00

It's been a while, huh? Well, there have been some developments in my household that have kept me away. For those of you who don't know, my husband lost his job in January, a loss that has repercussions I don't care to discuss at this moment. Then, in March, we found out that one of his sisters had been brutally murdered. I don't have to tell you that it's been a trying, shocking time on the old home front.

As difficult as it is to keep the faith right now, we are not alone and, sadly enough, still better off than many. You see, we are one of an exorbitant number of families facing unexpected challenges right now. People do it every day. I would venture a guess that not a second goes by without someone, somewhere, receiving life-altering news. Adversity does not spare any of us. And, as we've recently realized, it doesn't wait until we've recovered from its last jab to hit us with its powerful right hook.

Recently, a man for whom I have a great deal of respect told us that "adversity is a liberator." That really hit home with me. You see, when my husband lost his job, it immediately became clear to me that, other than the psychological effects that losing his livelihood would have on him, we hadn't really lost anything - nothing irreplaceable, anyway. For the first time in a long time, I started to think in terms of how much we really do have when you strip away all the stuff. Don't get me wrong - I love my house, the club, all the perks that our hard work has brought us. And anyone who knows me knows that I will never be one of those people who sells all of her stuff, buys a tent and moves into the woods with her family. I am not now, nor have I ever been, a minimalist in that sense. And yet, with my family by my side and my God at my back, I will walk away from all of it, without looking back, if I have to.

What I realized was that the adversity at this point of our life has freed me to let go of the things that aren't necessary. It has freed me to find out that, as India Arie says, "I am not my hair" (substitute hair for house, car, whatever I've been clinging to). I am not these things, my satisfaction does not come from my bank account or my social standing. It has freed me to make some decisions - to stop putting off the things I believe I was called to do, the things I believe I am required to do, without the clutter of trying to hold on to things that are temporary and replaceable. It has freed me to focus on what matters most - my family and faithful friends, being present in every moment with them, our health. It has freed me to really appreciate the amazing man I married, to develop a new level of respect for all that he has done and is willing to do to take care of, provide for and cherish his family. I have always respected and loved him, but now, I truly realize how blessed I am to be by his side in good times and bad.

Adversity has, strangely enough, alleviated some of the fear I never knew I lived with. The unknown - what would we do if - no longer is a hypothetical. It becomes "what's the next step in this adventure we're on?" It becomes, "How did I not know how amazing these people I call family and friends are?" It becomes, "No matter what happens, we can get through it with faith and a firm commitment to what matters most."

I don't know what the reasons are or God's plans to use these challenges. What I do believe, with every fiber of my being, is that He will use them, is using them, for our good and the good of His kingdom. What I hold on to is that Adversity, when it liberates us to do all the things we now must do, becomes Hope - hope for something new, something better.

Hope is There

Hope is there when the storm is raging.

Hope is there when you've lost it all.

Hope is there when the darkness falls.

Have no fear, hope is there.

Hope is there when your world is crumbling.

Hope is there when the pain abounds.

Hope is there, even in destruction,

even in despair, hope is there.

Hope is there for us to lean on.

It will guide us through it all.

And when the suffering's more than you can bear,

say a prayer, hope is there.

Hope is there when the battle's over,

Hope is there when you've lost the fight.

Hope is there when the tears are flowing.

Hope is there, hope is there.

Hope is there for us to lean on.

It will guide us through it all.

And when the suffering's more than you can bear,

say a prayer, hope is there.

Say a prayer, hope is there.

Just say a prayer, hope is there.

Hope is there.

Happy New Year

2009-01-02T08:26:00.009-05:00

I wanted to write this yesterday, on the first day of the new year, but, as is often the case, life does not wait upon our whims and mine kept going on, as if it didn't know that it was a holiday. So, I write my New Year's message on the second day of the year. That's better than doing it in July, right?

I hope everyone reading this is as excited as I am about the new year. Things are not going the way many of us would like them to, but, as a friend of mine said on New Year's Eve, that's all the more reason to celebrate, to ring in the new year - we had to put an end to the last year to arrive at the hope and promise of a new one. Still, in the spirit of saying a fond farewell to 2008, I will focus on some amazing things that have touched my life in the last 12 months (this list is not in any particular order and definitely is not all-inclusive):

My family is loving, healthy, resilient and intact.
We are still okay financially - great jobs, roof over our heads, food in our bellies, etc.
My dear, dear friend completed chemotherapy and has taken steps to live life to its fullest.
I am blessed with the most amazing family and group of wonderful friends (some new and some tried and true) that I could ever ask for.

Last, but certainly not the least of my blessings from 2008, is the realization that last year's leg of my journey brought me - that I am, always have been, and always will be involved in the most amazing love affair of all time - my Savior's love affair with me. While I don't do New Year's resolutions (I set short-, mid- and long term goals for myself in the new year), I resolve this year to actively explore my part in this love affair, to do what I can to uphold my end of this relationship and give back to God - not what He gives me, because that is not possible, but to give what He created me to give, to work on being whom He created me to be, to focus on loving, worshipping, praising and glorifying Him the way He uniquely equipped me to love, worship, praise and glorify Him.

I wish you a blessed and prosperous 2009 and thank you for having joined me on the journey through 2008.

He wraps me in protection,

in security, in love,

strong hands that bring such comfort

to my soul.

This world and its distractions

melt away beneath His touch.

In wonder, I let go of

all control.

I'm letting go completely

of myself, of all but Him

to let His love, His goodness

fill me up.

I revel in His power,

in His strength and all He gives,

and when I thirst, He's there to

fill my cup.

I seek Him with a hunger

that will never go away,

a need to feel His presence

in my life.

I'm nourished by His nectar,

by His faithful, holy grace,

completed when I'm walking

in His light.

I love Him, I adore Him,

my beginning and my end,

the Rock that keeps me steady

in His way.

I live to give Him glory,

to put a smile upon His face,

my purpose is to please Him

night and day.

Thank You

2008-08-31T17:23:00.002-05:00

I'd like to thank everyone who took action when asked. Not only did many of you take the time to read the poems and rank them, you shared with me your reasons, opinions and feelings about them. Thank you for taking your precious time to help me decide on something that means so much to me. There was no easy answer (which kind of surprised me) or clear-cut winner. Because of that, I chose not to enter the contest at all. KIDDING! Seriously, I have entered the contest and will let you know the outcome, as well as the results of the voting on this blog, as soon as I know the results of the contest.

Thank you, thank you, again and again, for your help and encouragement!

Action Requested

2008-08-21T20:12:00.004-05:00

Okay, so I need your help with something here. I am going to enter one or more poems in a Christian poetry contest and I can't decide which of them to use. So, I am going to trust my one or two faithful blog readers to tell me which poem(s) to enter. Here's how it will work:

Read the three poems and rate them with #1 being your top choice and #3 your last choice. You can either respond by sending me an e-mail or by sending a comment (of course, I'd prefer a comment, but I know some of you are shy, so ...) to the blog. I really do need your help, so please take the time to read and rate the poems. I will submit the poem(s) based on the responses I receive. Please submit your responses by Tuesday, Aug. 26.

Thank you in advance! (And please forgive typos - I can't even keep my eyes open right now!)

Option 1: The Woman You Are

I am intimately acquainted
with each beat of your heart,
with the depths of your soul
and the woman you are.

I created you with a purpose,
goals you're meant to achieve,
things you're meant to accomplish
with the gifts you've received.

Though some may seem like burdens,
gifts that you'd like to trade,
winning's not all in the cards,
but the way that they're played.

Use your gifts for My purpose,
use your gifts for My will -
they are yours, with my blessing,
for your role to fulfill.

That stubborn streak they talk about
is persistence, you see.
You will need it, I know,
to do your work for me.

And the temper that you cry about
is the passion I've sewn
in the fabric of you -
it will help you go on.

You're aggressive, dramatic
and you overreact,
not to mention the things
others say that you lack.

You could stand to smile more sweetly,
hold your head a different way.
People will always try to change you,
always have something to say.

Don't you know that I created you
and I don't make mistakes?
Every gift I have given,
in My time, has its place.

You have all you require,
it's been given - it's done.
All your needs have been met,
every battle's been won.

Now it's up to you, Beloved,
to use what I've given you -
Use it well and be rewarded.
All I've promised will come true.

Option #2: The Daughters of Eve

The essence of me
that I carry inside
is the beauty you see
when I don’t run and hide.

It’s in every look,
it’s in all that I say
and the way I react
to my life every day.

In the way that I love
with my whole heart and soul
and invite you to learn
all that my beauty holds.

In the way that I offer
all the love that I know
and entice you to share,
to come bask in its glow.

In the way that my presence
draws you in from the start,
how it welcomes you into
the warmth of my heart.

It’s the trust I display
when I let others in,
how I freely give all
that I am from within.

It’s the power in me,
it’s my gift from above,
how my God crafted me
to distribute His love.

Most of all, it is God,
and His will, I believe,
that His beauty would shine
through the daughters of Eve.

Option #3: When I Say that I Love Jesus

When I say that I love Jesus,
I’m not saying I’m a saint,
‘cause I know nobody’s perfect
and can promise you I ain’t

When I say that I love Jesus,
I’m not trying to prove the point
that I’m the saved and sanctifiedest
holy roller in the joint.

When I say that I love Jesus,
He’s the Saviour of my soul,
I’m not speaking out in judgment –
that’s just not the way I roll.

When I say that I love Jesus,
I don’t mean to shut you out.
It’s just my way of expressing
what my life is all about.

When I tell you I love Jesus,
I’m not saying you love Him less
or that you can’t choose your own way
to make sure that love’s expressed.

All I’m saying is that He’s
my All in All, my truth, my light –
He’s my Father and He’s shown me
that I’m precious in His sight.

So when I say, “I love You, Jesus,"
why not think of it this way –
they’re the same three words that every
father’s little girl should say.

Think of this as practice for the election - let your voice be heard. Thanks!

Unfinished Portrait

2008-08-14T07:29:00.004-05:00

The artist sees the portrait in His mind,
but 'til He's finished, I will never find
the purpose in what was meant to be,
or the precious beauty that He sees in me.
The barren canvas slowly comes to life
with colors that reflect the shades of me.
How brilliantly He paints my soul in time
and bares the depths that only He can see.

People usually look back and reflect on life at the end of the year. Or at the beginning of the year. Or after some major, life-changing event has occurred in their lives. Well, I'm a rebel and I am going to reflect now. In August.

I have had one very eventful year. It's been emotional, draining, full of ups and downs and valleys and speed bumps and pot holes, along with the good, the bad and the ugly. I probably cried more tears, laughed much harder and gained a much deeper understanding of what it is to love and be loved than I ever had before. So far.

I have grown in ways that were painful, healed in ways that surprised me, and received gifts that humbled me. I have changed more in this one year of my life than I ever thought possible. For now.

With all the changing and growing and learning and loving and hurting and laughing and crying and healing I've done in so short a time (it didn't feel short at all much of the time), I have so much more of those things to do. And some of it will feel much better or much worse than anything I experienced this past year. You see, the Artist is not finished with me yet. Until He is, I stay on the roller coaster ride and do my best to trust that He has the completed me, the perfected me, in His mind and that He will reveal her to me according to His perfect will, in His perfect time.

My Lover

2008-04-24T17:25:00.006-05:00

He seeks me in the darkest,
deepest reaches of my heart
and knows the hidden yearnings of my soul.

He fills me with His essence,
with the fullness of His love -
His breath of life alone can make me whole.

He meets me where I’m searching
for a hand that I can hold
and leads me to the place where I am loved.

He soothes me with His presence,
gently whispering in my ear,
“Don’t worry – in My eyes you are enough.”

He saves me from the shadows
and He calms me with His touch,
embracing me just like a faithful friend.

His promise is a covenant
He’s made with me in faith
that He will be my lover ‘til the end.

He loves me with a fierceness,
with a power that conveys
His strength and His desire for my heart.

Protector and my Lover,
He pursues me night and day -
our joining means we’ll never be apart.

An Ode to My Parents

2008-04-05T08:17:00.004-05:00

Normally, I wouldn't post a blog entry on my birthday. After all, having just completed the special birthday breakfast my son requested, I am on my way to spend a few hours being pampered at the spa, after which I will come home, spend the afternoon with my children and have a celebratory dinner of sloppy joes, waffle fries, baby carrots (our new favorite) and far too much Carvel ice cream cake. This day is all about me. It's my birthday. Me, me, me, me, me. Which is why my wonderful husband sent me an e-mail this morning and then called me bright and early to be the first to wish me a happy birthday today. Which is also why I am sure I will receive many phone calls from people I love wishing me the best (or enjoying the fact that I am getting older by the second).

The "me" factor aside, I want to make this day about my parents. They brought me into this world. They agreed to love me, raise me, teach me, love me, cherish me, teach me, keep me safe, cry for me, cry over me, struggle for me, love me, stay up late waiting for me, let me go, welcome me home, and so on. I don't think any two people have ever taken their parenting decision more to heart or more seriously than my parents.

I love them.

And I thank them.

Happy Florence's Birthday, Mommy and Daddy. You rock.

The Grass Isn't Always Greener...

2008-03-20T07:40:00.005-05:00

... on the other side of the valley. Some people may read the previous entry and think that I'm depressed or wallowing in self pity or being overly dramatic. That's okay. I'm here to tell you that I'm not. (Well, I have been known to indulge in drama every now and again, but I wouldn't go so far as to say I'm doing so now.)

What people sometimes fail to understand is that the grass isn't always greener during life's peaks. Sometimes, a valley is right on time. There are certain things I'm pretty sure you don't accomplish as completely during the peaks in your life. How challenging is it to summon a smile when you're at your best? How aware are you of the smallest blessings when everything is going well? How likely are you to appreciate the sunlight when you've never experienced the dark night? (Okay, so that was dramatic. But it worked. Quite well.)

I believe, as I wrote last time, that the valley is the place we end up when God really wants to talk to us, to work on and in our hearts at a time we're likely to be the most receptive. I firmly believe that He wants us to seek Him there, to realize He is everything we need, what we need to fill us. I don't know about anybody else, but when I feel like I'm getting everything I need from my husband or elsewhere in my life, I tend to let my relationship with God take a back seat. It's not that I don't need Him during those times, or that I forget about Him - I just start to believe the lie that another person (or things) can complete me, fulfill me, be my satisfaction. I forget that He blessed me with those people and things and that they are in my life for a season (however long that season is) while He is eternal, He loves me more than even my parents ever could, and He is what I truly need. Without Him, I would not be here and it is only without His love that I am worthless. Since His love is perfect, unfailing, unconditional and, yes, eternal, I am absolutely, unfailingly, unconditionally and (YES!) ETERNALLY precious. Period.

So, if the valley takes me to the place where I am reminded of how precious I am to my Creator, that He loves me more than any human being ever could and that in Him I have all that I will ever need, there are worse places I could be.

Notes from the Valley

2008-03-09T21:41:00.000-05:00

Healing Day

Alive, the sky
with trails of light,
the air with morning dew,
erasing darkness
of the night
and memories of you.
And with each ray
of morning sun,
my broken heart will mend
until each memory,
each one,
becomes nothing again.
But if the rain
precedes the beams
of light that I await,
its healing drops
will blend with tears
that flow from the floodgates -
until there's nothing
left of pain
that's all that's left of you.
The new day heals,
with sun or rain,
as light reveals His truth.

I am in a valley. I have been in a valley for quite some time. And, to date, it has probably been the most painful time in my life. I'm not complaining, though (at least I'm trying not to). I think I have passed the "woe is me" stage (several times) and graduated to the "Lord, have Your way with me" stage (again, it comes and goes). This is the stage in which I realize that God uses the valleys to meet me, comfort me and talk with me when I'm most able to listen - when I feel alone and without hope, when I am quiet and the noise of my life is so far away that it can't get in the way. During this stage, God shows me - yet again - that He is always there, able to reach me even out in the wilderness. He uses the valleys to make me turn to Him so that He can show me that He is everything I need, that He is my ever-present help.

So, I remain in the valley - for now - while God has His way with me. I remain in the valley and treasure each and every realization He brings me (okay, so it's painful and I may not be as enthusiastic as I should be, but ...), along with each and every little bit He opens my eyes and my heart a little more.

I believe I am in this valley for specific reasons, some of which God has revealed to me. I am working on those things so that I can avoid revisiting this particular valley again in the future. I have a feeling, though, that I still need to do some time in this valley, so I am doing my best to be a faithful, attentive pupil and avoid having to learn these particular lessons again because, while I know there are far worse things in life, this place is not somewhere I want to be again.

Sista, Sister

2008-01-20T11:48:00.000-05:00

Sistas, we're not sisters
when we put each other down,
when the only thing that feels good
knocks our sista to the ground.

Sistas, we're not sisters
when we judge from seats on high
fellow sistas we look down on
and ridicule as they walk by.

Sistas, we're not sisters
if our only claim to fame
is how we elevate ourselves
as we trash our sista's name.

Sistas, we're not sisters,
not when we believe it's weak
just to rise above the drama,
simply turn the other cheek.

Sistas, we're not sisters
when we read, write and erase,
roll our eyes and suck our teeth,
put our palm in sista's face.

We sistas say we're "sisters,"
yet we have the awful knack
of putting down those we call sisters,
plunging daggers in their backs.

Oh, my sista, not yet sister,
please don't get an attitude.
Why not ask yourself this question:
Is it you I'm talking to?

'Cause if it is, my future sister,
put the drama on the shelf
and realize that how you treat me
shows how much you love yourself.

(I started writing this blog entry last July and think the message is still right on time, so here it is ...)

Yesterday, I hosted a girls-only "soiree in the afternoon" in my home. Not being one to make friends easily (I have built walls, you see), I invited women who have children to come over and spend an afternoon without their children in the company of other women who have children. Some of these women I know fairly well, while others not so much. They all arrived with one thing in common and left, I think, with the realization that they have so much more in common than they knew.

You see, as women, we have so much that unites us. We may look different, think differently, be at different stages in our lives or careers, have different philosophies and faiths, but we really are sisters. We really are in search of a way to get past the things that would separate us and can make us feel so alone. It's just so difficult to focus on the areas of commonality when life makes it so much easier to focus on the differences, on the reasons we really should stay apart from one another - we don't have time to spend together, too many responsibilities and expectations we have to live up to.

There is so much out there that is more important than the ties that bind us together that we lose sight of the fact that we need support to handle everything else. The sad thing is that when we test them, those ties that bind us are strong enough to provide a lot of the support we need. If we would only realize that we are never stronger than when we do stand together and support one another, we would be able to accomplish so much more.

Loneliness is a dangerous thing - sisterhood is a healing thing.

A Deafening Chorus

2008-01-09T20:58:00.000-05:00

Rejoice always
and pray without ceasing,
give thanks for all
the bounty He brings.

Do not despair
and give in to grieving -
believe that God
has power over all things.

So, when you hear
of pain and of suffering,
hold fast to faith
and never let go.

The child of God
may not escape trials,
but still she leans
on the Lord of her soul.

Her comfort comes
not from being spared strife,
her solace not
from eluding the blows.

'Cause the One we serve,
with infinite wisdom,
allows pain for reasons
that only He knows.

Okay, so here I am again. Twice in one week is a little much for me, but that's okay. As I've said before, it's my blog and I'll do what I want to.

Once again, this entry is prompted by something that's going on in someone else's life. That's not to say that there is nothing going on in my life or that I can't apply this to myself, but that a conversation I had with a dear friend of mine put this message on my heart. I might be as bold as to say (okay, so I am bold enough and I'm saying it) that this message can apply to any one of us at any given point in life.

So, you're asking yourself, what is this profound message she's going to share? Well, it's pretty simple, really - no matter what is going on in my life, I should always praise God and thank him for not only the calm, but also the storms themselves. To me, giving my heart and soul to God is not about being pain free all the time. It's about recognizing that the pain itself can serve a purpose - it can make me realize how much I really do have, how important the people I love are to me, how precious the people who love me are, how much better off I was the moment before the pain started and how I'd give anything just to get back there.

Would that I could be so fully aware and grateful all the time, not just when something threatens the things that matter most to me. Would that I could stop taking those people and things (and God) for granted and always be fully alive in my praises. Sadly, that's not the case with us humans. Did you ever notice that when you hurt yourself - really hurt yourself - every fiber of your being cries out for relief? That's because we're never more alive than when we're in pain, suffering and at our wit's end. When we think we can take no more and we cry out for help, that's when we're truly alive, which is a good thing because when the relief comes, we should be more aware of it, so thankful that we cry out again, only in thanks this time. The moment (or endless moments) of pain is also the time we tend to appreciate what we had the moment before the pain began. Everything we took for granted, everything we skipped because we said we would do it later - every single one of those things becomes so precious when we're in the dark valley of our pain.

I haven't done this before, but I'm going to ask everyone who reads this to stop and pray for the people in your life who are suffering (whether you know it or not), the people you don't know who are suffering and for everyone else who is reading this. If we all do it, then each of us will have countless people (because this blog is so popular) praying for him or her. Prayer, whether we know it or not, doesn't go unanswered. I like the idea of "inciting" a deafening chorus of prayer that will uplift those of us who know others are praying for us.

Blame it on Eve

2008-01-04T23:57:00.000-05:00

She took the apple from the tree
and bit it on a whim,
so now, and ever, we are blamed
for weaknesses in him.

No, I didn't just write this. I wrote it several years ago when, I'm pretty sure, I was fighting with my husband. It just so happens that I pull it out periodically when I feel it applies to my life. I recite it. Over and over again. And it keeps me from nagging, you see, because I am so very busy reciting it. Over and over. Okay, so the reciting and nagging parts aren't true, but I enjoyed saying them.

And, yes, I'm sure that every woman has felt this way at one time or another - whether she admits it or not. Don't read too much into it. Just let it flow over you. Chew on it a little. Digest it. And then let it go. That's what I do.

Talk amongst yourselves.

Mommy, Will You Love Me?

2007-11-25T19:59:00.001-05:00

Last night I put my son to bed,
but before he fell asleep,
he said he had some questions,
one or two that wouldn't keep.
And so, I sat back on his bed
and held his precious hand.
I lovingly gave him a squeeze
as his angelic voice began.
"Mommy, will you love me
when I dye my hair bright red,
when I won't stay still at bath time
and refuse to go to bed?
Mommy, will you love me
when my music is too loud,
or when you think you see me
hanging out with a fast crowd?
Mommy, will you love me
when I think I'm fully grown,
and I'm sure I must take action,
make decisions on my own?
Mommy, will you love me
when you’re sure your heart will break
because I insist on doing things
my way, for my pride’s sake?
And mommy, will you love me
when it’s time to let me go,
and you’re watching from afar
to see how seeds you’ve planted grow?
He finished and I smiled at
the worry on his face.
I asked a question of my own,
“Son, do you know your place?
The place you hold within my heart
is yours ‘til Kingdom come,
my love for you won’t be erased,
no matter what you’ve said or done.
So, though you will assert yourself –
you’ll spread your wings and fly –
you’ll always be the son I love,
the true love of my life.”

My son (he's two) is going through what my sister the therapist calls the "primal scream" stage of childhood. As you can imagine, he enjoys screaming. I'm happy, Mommy = SCREAM. I'm sad, Mommy = SCREAM. I'm sleepy, wet, dirty, hungry, full, thirsty, bored, you name it = SCREAM. I can't remember having gone through this with his brother, but I'm sure I did. Whatever part of the brain the ear-splitting screams affect must be the same part that houses my short-term memory. Oh well.

My question to you, the multitudes who read this blog, is, "Would it be wrong of me to sit on the floor with him and scream, too?" Probably, but I think I will, just once. First, though, I'm going to dust off my track shoes and do some endurance training so that when I partake in primal scream therapy and the men with butterfly nets chase me down the street, I'll have a chance to lead them on a merry chase before they shoot me with tranquilizer darts. Sounds like a plan.

See you during visiting hours.

Warrior Sisters

2007-10-31T19:28:00.000-05:00

They are our mothers, our faithful friends,
the loving daughters we must defend.
Though we’re afraid and can’t pretend,
we’re warrior sisters until the end.

The fight we’re waging can be won.
With much more work, it can be done.
This battle touches all of us
as we fight to save the ones we love.

Fight on, fight on
with strength and love.
With warrior sisters, we’ll rise above.
The thought of failure, we can’t allow,
so we must fight and win somehow.

If it will strike, you never know,
but if the enemy invades your home
and you need help, a loving friend,
just take your warrior sister’s hand.

Fight on, fight on
with strength and love.
We warrior sisters will rise above.
The thought of failure, we can’t allow,
so we must fight and win somehow.

We can’t forget the battle now,
so we will fight and win somehow.

Yes, today is the last day of Breast Cancer Awareness Month. No, I didn't just write these lyrics today. I was trying to wait until November, to drive home the point that awareness does not end at 12:01 a.m. on November 1. Why didn't I wait after all? Well, tomorrow is not a promise, so I'm posting this today. It's that simple.

What deep words of wisdom do I have today? I think the lyrics say it all. Just prop each other up and never forget that someone needs encouragement. You may never know why they needed it at a particular moment, but what you say or do may be the fuel they need to keep waging whatever battle they face.

And to my dear friend, a true Warrior Sister: I wrote Fight On with you on my mind and in my heart. I love you and pray for you every day, even when daily life makes it difficult to call.

My Potential

2007-10-07T19:34:00.001-05:00

For so long in my life,
I tried to achieve,
to realize the potential
others thought they had seen.
But for all of that time,
it eluded me, so
I could not understand
something I should have known.
So I tried to become
the "me" they knew I'd be
if I'd only embrace
the potential in me.
Then, I'd twist and I'd turn,
change my interests and look,
follow all the instructions,
memorize every book.
I'd try so hard to succeed,
to somehow fit in their mold,
yet I'd always fall short,
staying out in the cold.
I could never quite grasp,
I could not comprehend
the "me" that should result
from their dreams in the end.
Never one to give up,
I have fought the good fight,
letting this search consume
more than one sleepless night.
And now that I am tired,
bruised and battered, it seems,
I've decided instead
to realize my own dreams.
You see, the me I've become
has invented her look -
She defines her own interests
and dictates her own book.

I am learning that I will never be exactly the person anyone else expects or wants me to be - no matter how hard I try. And that's okay. No other person will ever be exactly what I expect or want either. I guess I can only hope that the people I love will accept the person I turn out to be just as I hope that I can accept the people they turn out to be.

To My Friend

2007-09-16T18:28:00.000-05:00

On January 16, 2004, I dedicated a poem to a dear friend. That was all she wanted for her birthday that year. My friend has been on my mind so much lately that I thought I would dedicate this blog entry to her. You see, after being the caregiver to the people in her life for a long time, she has recently begun what will likely be the toughest fight of her life - cancer treatment. She is handling it with grace and a faith that I find amazing to watch. Still, it's the hardest thing she's ever done and I wish I could make it better. Those of us who are blessed to call her friend can't go through it for her, but I hope that she knows that we will be there to help in any way that we can.

Daughter, sister, mother, friend,
we've only just begun.
Lover, carpool driver, wife,
you're all of them, each one.
Caregiver and our solid rock,
you nurture those you love.
Fiercely loyal, always giving,
yet it never seems to be enough.
You push yourself, demanding more
than we feel we can give.
If we were asked to do the same,
we wonder how we'd live.
But, as you know, the strength is there,
just waiting for life's call,
because in times of dire need,
a woman tends to give her all.
And though you may not always hear
the thanks that are your due,
those of us you've touched with love
are constantly inspired by you.
Those times when you don't really feel
appreciated, when
you're all alone and you're quite sure
your rope has reached its end,
just read these words for comfort, peace,
though words can't make it right
and know you can reach out to me,
friend, morning, noon or night.

I love you, my friend.

The Way You Love Me

2007-08-18T08:28:00.000-05:00

Some people wait a lifetime to be loved
the way you love me,
spending endless days in search of arms
to hold them through the night,
of hands to soothe away the sorrow,
help them face the next tomorrow,
words to promise them that someday
everything will be alright.

The way you love me is beyond my wildest dreams,
your love is deeper than my eyes have ever seen,
and though I don’t deserve to be the one, you chose me
to love the way you love me.

Some people waste their lives and never know
just what they’re missing,
empty shells and broken hearts,
in search of someone to believe.
When they ask me what’s so special in my life,
what’s so terrific,
what I choose to say is simply
what your love’s done in me.

The way you love me is beyond my wildest dreams,
your love is deeper than my eyes have ever seen,
and though I don’t deserve to be the one, you chose me
to love the way you love me.

The way you love me is beyond my wildest dreams,
your love is deeper than my eyes have ever seen,
and though I don’t deserve to be the one, you chose me
to love the way you love me.

And though I don’t deserve to be the one, you chose me
to love the way you love me.

Wouldn't it be wonderful to be loved not because of anything we've done to deserve it, but just because we are? That would mean we wouldn't have to worry about losing that love. That would mean that no matter how imperfect we were, that love would still be there, as strong as ever.

Well, although it would be really nice to have that with someone, it is not entirely possible with anyone in our lives. As human beings themselves, our loved ones have their own sets of restrictions that keep them from being able to love without any condition whatsoever.

How awesome it is to believe that God loves us that way - that He doesn't have those limitations and that He can love the unlovable not because of who we are but because of who He is!

When I See You

2007-07-16T17:11:00.000-05:00

When I see You, it will be
all I'd dreamed and so much more.
I'll look up to see You standing
there to greet me at the door.

And Your face, it will be shining
true and bright, just like the sun
as You smile and finally tell me,
"Welcome home, My little one.

No more burdens, no more troubles,
no more trials to grieve your soul.
You're no longer sad and broken,
you've found joy and now you're whole.

You have toiled and you have labored,
you've done battle with the best.
Now, my good and faithful servant,
you'll enjoy eternal rest."

When I see You, oh, I'll see You
crowned in glory, robed in grace,
love without condition glowing
on Your holy, loving face.

Trumpets sounding, angels singing,
heralds of the battle won -
only when I finally see You
will my true life have begun.

To anyone whose loved one has been called home by our Lord,
and especially to Daddy and Carol N. today:
There are no words that can erase your loss,
but I hope you find some measure of peace
when you think about all that your loved one has gained.

For One Precious Moment

2007-07-11T18:58:00.000-05:00

For one precious moment,
I looked in your eyes
and I saw my world in your gaze.
I changed in an instant,
my heart filled with love
so strong that I'm still amazed.

You were mine
for one precious moment,
in my heart for eternity.
In my soul,
I'll hold you forever -
loving you has made me complete.

For one precious moment,
the world made more sense
and you gave me strength to go on.
I felt love so pure
it melted my heart -
it gave me hope that I'd never known.

You were mine
for one precious moment,
in my heart for eternity.
In my soul,
I'll hold you forever -
how your life has made me complete.

You're in my heart
and you'll be there forever,
in my soul for eternity.
In your hands,
you held my heart captive -
loving you has made me complete.

Loving you has made me complete.

How long is long enough to love someone completely? Would you be satisfied with a minute, an hour, a day, a week, a month, a year, 10 years, 20 years, 30 years? A lifetime? Is a lifetime even enough time to have with the people you love? Is that enough time to tell them, to show them how much they mean to you? Is it enough time to experience everything there is to know about love?

I firmly believe that no amount of time on this earth will ever be enough for me with my loved ones. There will always be one more thing I could have done, one more word I could have said, one moment I would wish I could have back. So, for as long as I am able, I have to love like this is the only moment I'll ever have with them. I have to love enough for a lifetime because, in my reality, even 100 years, once they have passed and my time with my loved one is at an end, will still feel like they passed in the blink of an eye.

Take time to celebrate love - each and every precious moment.

Degrees of Separation

2007-05-25T22:20:00.001-05:00

Subscribing to the theory that there are six degrees of separation between any two people means more than knowing someone who knows someone who knows someone, etc., who knows Kevin Bacon. In actuality, any degree of separation means a lot more than that. It means that you know someone who knows someone who is unhappy, someone who is in love, someone who feels unloved. It means that you affect the life of someone who knows someone who knows someone who is sick, someone who is dying, or someone who is on the verge of unleashing some great potential for the good of unknown numbers of someones.

Whichever degree of separation you are - whether you are the one who just found out that you are sick or the friend of a friend of someone who knows someone who met someone at the doctor's office who had just been diagnosed with cancer - you will have an effect, direct or indirect, on the lives of many, many people. You may be raising a future teacher who will open the eyes of children who would otherwise never have been so touched by learning; you may be sitting next to a woman who, if not for your careless words of kindness, would have felt she had no hope in the world; you may be reading the blog of a soon-to-be highly acclaimed author making a difference in people's lives (your lips to God's ears).

The point is - well, there are a few points here, but today's focus will be this one - that you may have no idea why you are where you are today in your life. The world may make no sense to you and hope may be a distant memory, but as long as you are here, in this world, in this life, you are a degree of separation for someone and someone is that degree of separation for you. You are someone's link to some promise of the future and someone is the same for you. How sad would it be if your link were taken away before it served its purpose? And how sad it would be for you to miss the opportunity to be that link for someone else.

Think of it this way: If I know someone who knows someone who knows someone who knows someone who knows Kevin Bacon, I miss my chance to claim that relationship if any one of those people ceases to be a link. And then where am I? Kevin Bacon-less.

Some Kind of Angel

How did you know that I would make it?
How did you know I could stand on my own?
There was no way that you could have faked it -
you never doubted that I would be strong.

How did you sense the secrets of my heart?
How did you find the key to my dreams?
You seemed to expect that I'd be victorious.
How did you know? How did you see?

Are you some kind of angel, sent down from heaven
to help me through struggles and to set my heart free?
Will you stay here forever and keep me in your heart,
'cause I'm sure you're an angel and I need you with me.

How'd you decide that you would let me in?
What made you so willing to put your trust in me?
You held out your hand, so sure I would take it,
How did you know? How did you see?

Are you some kind of angel, sent down from heaven
to help me through struggles and to set my heart free?
Will you stay here forever and keep me in your heart,
'cause I'm sure you're an angel and I need you with me.

Thank God for my angel, sent down from heaven,
you've helped me through trouble and set my heart free.
You'll be with me always, 'cause I've kept you in my heart,
My heavenly angel, sent down to me.

Mother's Day

2007-05-13T18:05:00.000-05:00

Today is Mother's Day, so before I say anything else, I would like to wish all of the mothers out there a wonderful day (or that you've had a great day). On this day, let the people you love celebrate you and all you do and are. Let them express their love and appreciation for you in their way. It may not look the same as your ideal celebration would, but if it is a sincere expression of their love and gratitude, it is a blessing and should be accepted as such.

You may ask yourself why I may have sounded a little preachy in the last few sentences of the first paragraph. Well, here goes. For Mother's Day this year, my husband took me and our boys to a baseball game. We had great seats (where the foul balls are usually caught) in the sixth row, the weather was perfect and the kids lasted through the entire game with no mishaps.

For those of you who do not know this, a baseball game is not my idea of a wonderful day for mommy. The pollen count must have been a zillion, the sun was extremely strong (on my face) and I don't particularly enjoy crowds or the knowledge that, at any moment, a large projectile may come at me or my family at upwards of however many miles an hour. Now that I have set the stage, you can imagine how thrilled I was to attend a baseball game on Mother's Day.

I tried to explain to my husband that taking me to a baseball game for Mother's Day was like me taking him to an Avalon concert for Father's Day. While he may eventually enjoy it, the choice of gift would be more about me than him. I think he finally got it when I used the Avalon analogy (I'm pretty sure he doesn't know who they are), but I don't know that his choice of gift will change much in the future.

You see, my husband's goal was to give me a day with the family. He wanted to give me time, which is something I often ask him to do. He wanted to give me a few hours of happy kids, happy, attentive husband, and together time. Surprise of surprises, he succeeded. Would I have had that at the spa? Would the day have been as nice if we had stayed at home (I'm an incorrigible homebody) and stared at each other all day? Would the gift have meant as much if it hadn't been from the heart or if it hadn't involved spending TIME with him?

My husband gave me the one thing he has the hardest time giving, the thing that means the most to him outside of his family - time. Did it look exactly the way I thought I wanted it to? Did it look exactly the way it would have if I had given it? No. But if I'm honest with myself, it was so much more wonderful because it came from him. It was so him and to love him means that I love his expression of love.

So, what did I learn on this Mother's Day? What precious morsel of wisdom do I come away with this evening? It's quite simple, actually. I need to let the people who love me do it in their own way without looking at it through glasses colored by my way of doing things, my absolute "knowledge" that only I know how to express love. Sometimes, I have to look past the package to recognize and celebrate the gift itself.

Rising From the Ashes

2007-05-01T17:08:00.000-05:00

Rising From the Ashes

All across this barren land
burned and battered by the sun,
drenched with sweat and tears in battle,
stained by rivers of our blood,

lives and families have shattered,
no one spared the scars of war,
no one free from all the suff’ring
or the pain that’s gone before.

And yet we’re rising from the ashes,
from being trampled in the dust.
Even though we’ve been held down,
you can never count us out
because we’re never giving up.
Nobody’s riding to our rescue,
we’re not expecting charity,
but with a faith that is divine,
we will stand and we will fight
‘til every one of us is free.

Turn your eyes up to the sky,
watch the morning as it dawns,
see the promise of tomorrow
in the future as it’s born.

Because we’re rising from the ashes,
from being trampled in the dust.
Even though we’ve been held down,
you can never count us out
because we’re never giving up.
Nobody’s riding to our rescue,
we’re not expecting charity,
but with a faith that is divine,
we will stand and we will fight
‘til every one of us is free.

With a faith that is divine,
we will stand and we will fight
‘til every one of us is free.

Ever since the Don Imus Situation (heretofore referred to as The DIS) was resolved (in a manner of speaking), I have wanted to post this entry. You may ask yourself why I haven't done so. Well, I don't know, but here it is.

I can't tell you how happy I am that we (by "we" I mean everyone, regardless of race, gender, etc.) have shown yet again that when we "lift every voice and sing," we can accomplish something. Having said that, I don't know that we accomplished as much as we could have. Bear with me here - I'm certain quite a few people will disagree. But, this is my blog, so I can say what I want to.

When I say that I'm not sure we accomplished as much as we could have, what I mean to say is that we should not have been so shortsighted in our efforts. The uproar that followed The DIS caused sponsors of the show to pull their support, which led CBS and MSNBC to terminate Mr. Imus's employment. That may seem like he received his due. As a matter of fact, I hear very little talk of the situation now, so everything must be okay, right?

Well, in my opinion, losing his job so that he can obtain an even more lucrative one elsewhere is not going to curb his or anyone else's tongue. It is not going to change the way anyone views the "nappy-headed h_s" he referred to, nor will it help minority and disadvantaged children conquer the mentality that tells them it's okay for someone (ANYONE) to make such derogatory comments about them or anyone else as long as big business doesn't disagree.

The problem here isn't Don Imus or his producer or MSNBC or CBS or the corporate sponsors who waited for this latest infraction to take a stand. The problem we face is not that Michael Richards used "the n-word" in ways that even the imperialists who thought it up in the 1600s could not have imagined possible. And, surprise, surprise, the problem has not been solved by people like Howard Cosell, Jimmy the Greek, Don Imus or his producer losing their jobs.

The problem is that minority and underprivileged children - the ones who are growing up as the targets of vile diatribes, crass jokes, low expectations and an educational system that was designed to "keep them in their place" - never actually benefit from the resolutions we reach when these situations come to light (I won't say when they occur because they occur behind closed doors all the time).

Here's my point: When The DIS occurs again (and it will, just by some other name), the perpetrator should be made to keep his or her high-paying job. The perpetrator should then be persuaded by public opinion, sponsors, etc. to adopt several inner city elementary schools (you know, the ones in which many of his "nappy-headed h_s" often begin their education) and contribute to providing the equal opportunity in education that is the only thing that will put those children in the position to compete in the marketplace. Until enough of those children grow up to run these multi-billion dollar companies and make policy decisions that regulate what is or is not acceptable, it's always going to be somebody else's daughter being insulted, somebody else's son dying at war.

I am not saying that Don Imus is any more of a racist than any other human being. I'm definitely not saying that it's okay for "some people" to use certain words and not others. I am saying that if someone is in the public eye and people listen to that person, he or she is able to influence others to do the right or the wrong thing. I understand that Don Imus has used his considerable influence to raise money for "the children" and I applaud him for that. I would have liked to have seen his repentance in this instance reflect that dedication to children. I am certain a man who has raised that much money for kids would have welcomed the opportunity.

Love's Journey

2007-04-08T12:43:00.000-05:00

Love's Journey

Love is not a destination,
it's a journey undertaken,
full of bumps in winding roads
we cannot navigate alone.
The path grows dark, the road is long,
lined with pride and righted wrongs.
It seems the pitfalls rise to meet
our naked, unprotected feet.
And so, we stumble and we fall
because this journey takes our all.
It leaves us spent, in search of hope
or anything to help us cope.
We scratch and claw with battered hands
adorned by shiny wedding bands,
these symbols of eternal love
sanctified by God above.
We try to get back to the place
where love lit up our lover's face;
the light so bright we could not see
how hard this odyssey would be.
But as we fight, we glimpse the hand
on which we placed that wedding band
and gaze upon that face anew,
just wondering what we would do
if we should lose that lover's touch,
not hear the voice we love so much,
'til once again we realize
the value of this blessed prize.

As much as we would like to think so these days, I truly do not believe that love is all about feeling good all of the time. It's not possible for one person to always feel good anymore than it is possible for one person to make another person happy all the time. There are days when people who love each other fight. There are days when they don't want to talk to each other. There are days when they ask themselves what they are doing together in the first place.

Love, whether between lovers, siblings, parents and children or friends, is what all human beings want. It is also the hardest thing to do. It takes work, time, energy and everything else we have to give. It can never work if it is one-sided and it is not fulfilling if taken for granted. It is also impossible to demonstrate once the object of our love is no longer around to accept it.

If there is true love between you and someone in your life, love that person today. You may not have the chance tomorrow. And never forget that before you can love that other person on any given day, you have to love, respect, trust and be good to yourself.

What have you done today to show the people you love (including yourself) how important they are to you? Regardless of how good a job they are now doing or have done in the past demonstrating their love to you, when you lie down to sleep tonight, will you know that you know that you know that you loved to the best of your ability today?

That's my goal - to know that I have demonstrated to those who love me how much I love and cherish them. Every day. Every chance I get.

Who He Made Me to Be

2007-02-06T08:19:00.000-05:00

I've always had the hardest time accepting who I am. I don't know why - there's nothing wrong with me. You can even say I've had a charmed existence. Yet, for some reason, I have always had this sense that I wanted to be anywhere other than my own skin. Strange. Or maybe not so strange when you think about it. Apparently, women are much more likely to be dissatisfied with themselves - their appearance, intellect, choices, abilities, you name it - than their male counterparts. For some reason, we tend to feel the need to define ourselves based on outside factors. Like we let these outside influences in and once inside, they take up permanent residence and influence everything we say, do, think and feel. Picture letting someone into your house. You want the person to visit. You like the person, but would like him or her to leave at some point, go home and maybe come back and visit another time. The only problem is, that person doesn't want to leave. He or she refuses to open the door and go home. Soon, that person has left a mark on everything in your house and your home is no longer a reflection of you but somehow that person's influence on you. That's not such a strange analogy when you think that women are programmed, even built, to have to let people inside. The trick is not to let what comes inside take over what is already there. Whatever is there is there for a reason far more important than any other person, place or thing. What's there was not placed there by mistake and should therefore be cherished and protected. What's there should be cultivated and used for the divine purpose for which it was placed there.

As for the guest who won't leave, that's probably because we never actually open the door and say, "It's time to go. See ya later." At least, that's often been the case for me. I have, in the past, been afraid to open the door, afraid that I would be empty and my guest would not want to return. Well, I'm pretty sure if what's inside my house is pleasant enough, any guest worth having will want to return at some point. If not, my home just isn't for them and that's okay too.

Who He Made Me to Be

You should love who I am,
not who you'd like to see,
or you might never know
who I'm destined to be.

As His masterful hands
mold and sculpt me like clay,
I don't have time to guess
who I might be someday.

So, I go where He leads
as He stretches my bounds
and I try to find joy
in who I am right now.

I become as He sculpts,
sanding down, He refines.
He perfects me with love,
every curve, every line.

How He shapes me with care,
kneads the clay that I am,
every nuance a gift
to be used for His plan.

Oh, He loves who I am -
I'm who He wants to see,
and with His love, I become
who He made me to be.

Who I Am

2007-01-21T12:49:00.000-05:00

I am who I am because God has a plan,
He's predestined each breath that I take.
In the palm of His hand, I just don't understand
how He knows every move that I'll make.

With His wisdom, His glory, His infinite love,
He has taken root deep in my soul,
still, no matter what choices or plans I may make,
His great plan is beyond my control.

I look like I do 'cause He planned that out, too,
from the curl of my hair to my grin.
If my butt's the wrong size, circles under my eyes,
He still loves what He sees from within.

Why do I act this way, well, God knew I'd behave
like I do since He first thought of me,
which was long before time, before reason or rhyme,
long before I was even conceived.

So what's this, my excuse for a bad attitude,
or the times when I relish a fight?
Or complain to no end, when I'm not a good friend
and I fail to exhibit His light?

Am I trying to say that I've somehow obtained
His permission to squander His gifts?
No, it's my choice to make, every step that I take
is my choice - I decide how I live.

Believing that God created me the way I am, gifts and faults, pros and cons, does not give me license to place blame for my actions on Him or anyone else. I have to accept who I am, who I am meant to be, while taking responsibility for what I do with what God has given me. At the end of the day, I choose what I do with what I've been handed. When people talk about life handing you lemons and making lemonade with them, that's not set in stone. In most instances, nobody is going to hold your hand while you squeeze the juice out. I have, in my life, made lemonade with some of the proverbial lemons, been angry enough to use some of them as projectiles aimed at myself and others, and let some of the lemons rot while I waited for something better to come along. What I'm trying to say is, we're dealt a certain hand - how we play it is up to us.